Celebrate the Women in Your Life

This is a short post today, but I really wanted to share two things with you because today is International Women’s Day.  There was a quote or something I read awhile back that said something to this effect, that women are the backbone of our society and that is men who bring about war and women who help to bring about peace.

I definitely have a soft spot when it comes to the plight of women and girls. Being a women myself, I find it important to stand up for the women who came before me (my mom) and the ones who will come after me (my sisters and step-daughters) and fight for the injustice that is still so ever-present in our society in the overall treatment of women.

I like to say that I a low-key activist, I don’t go and stand and picket out on the sidelines, that just isn’t me. Rather, I do what I can whether that is trying to donate a little money or read up and educate myself on certain causes and spread that information around, that is my little own form of activism.  Yet, I have talked about transformation lately and maybe it is time for me to step it up…

Here are two things you can do today to help celebrate International Women’s Day:

Consider giving a free trial loan to a woman in need.  Kiva is a great organization that supports women by providing micro loans in order to help alleviate poverty. Many of these women come from war ravaged areas of the world and maybe also the sole provider for the family. They also have developed small, local businesses so they can provide food, schooling and shelter for their family.  Think of this, the more you give, the more you will get in return.

Or, you can view this film, Pray the Devil Back to Hell.  Again, it is a powerful story of war ravaged Liberia and the women who have come together, both Muslins and Christians, to help bring peace back to their country.  You can view the trailers here or consider purchasing the DVD.  Let the story inspire you in any way to commit to peace and support women like the ones in Liberia.

Lastly, you can also call, write or talk to the women and girls in your life and just let them know how much you appreciate them.  This can be done in words or through a small gesture because it is women who make the world go round.

Sex, Death, Meditation and Trauma: All Tools for Transformation

I am currently diving into many books, one of them being, Healing Trauma by Peter Levine which offers a 12 step process for learning how to deal with trauma as well as recover and even transform from it.  What he wrote that struck a chord with me was that sex, death, meditation and trauma all play a part in our continuing transformation.  I like how, in a way, there is almost a distinct method or way of allowing for transformation to happen in your life in one of those four aspects.  Maybe for one person, it would not involve any of these, but I have a sense that for the majority out there, these four play a big role.

So, in this blog, let’s talk about sex!.  No, death or depressing talk here, at least not today.  I really hope to get some comments from this blog, because I would love to know how other women feel about this subject and how maybe sex has or has not been a transformative power in their lives.

Obviously, much of what I have been doing recently is linking my current issue with uterine fibroids with any physical or emotional pattern that I have been avoiding, messing up on or could improve upon.  I could definitely say that my view of sex, sensuality, what is sexy, how to be sexy and not be a slut have all been skewed from a very young age.  I won’t go into too much details, but I had my first encounter of what sex was at a young age when I discovered my dad’s Penthouse and Playboy magazines that were hiding in a drawer in our apartment at the time.  I believe that also coming from a somewhat conservative and overly protective family, we did not talk about sex much except for the talk of the birds and the bees.  I never had a romanticized mother to daughter conversation about puberty and my cycles and what they would mean for me as I got older and became a woman.  I also remember this very clearly in my mind that as a little girl, maybe 11 or 12, I distinctly remember thinking to myself that I would either become a nun or a Playboy bunny.  Not sure how that came about, but those were some of the thoughts running in my head at the time.

Getting older and into middle school and high school, I had a very low self-esteem of myself and confidence.  Maybe it started then, of not feeling girly or feminine enough.  If you look at pictures of me from those days, I had really short hair, like a boy; I had started puberty and went from being stick thin and eating whatever I wanted, to getting curves and even a bit of a belly as well as acne! Now, I didn’t lack in the smarts or even a little healthy athletic competition, I was always ready to prove myself to the boys.  However, my sense of being a girl, of being pretty or attractive was lacking.

I never kissed a boy until I got into college and also did not lose my virginity until then.  When I graduated from college and made my way into the Navy, I felt for the very first time that I was being noticed as a woman, as someone who was sexy and enticing and appealing.  I never had that attention before and all I can say is that it was very addicting. Yet, I still struggled with feeling feminine enough or sexy enough, even to this day.

These are some of the words/characteristics that I found while looking up the second chakra: opening, release, vulnerability, sensuality, procreation, creativity, finances, relationships, low back pain, vaginal infections, assertiveness, comfort with sexuality, inherited generational discomfort with sex from mother. These are some of the  characteristics taken from Christiane Northrup’s website and the Mommy Mystic Blog.

For those not familiar with what the second chakra is, it is derived from the 7 chakra system where whorls or vortexes of energy are found running vertically along the center of the body starting from the genital region running all the way up to the top of the head.  All of these energy centers have some correlation with our emotional or psychological state.  For example, the first chakra, muladhara, the root chakra deals with the basic needs in your life, security, shelter, food, etc. The second chakra, svadisthana, is located right in the sacral region, where the reproductive organs are located and I firmly believe that issues with any of the above will manifest physical problems, such as chronic vaginitis (me!), back pain (me!) or fibroids (me again!).

So coming back full circle to this moment and what I have learned/realized and my past, I realize I have some work to do in this area as it definitely fuels a lot of wanting growth in the other areas of my life, like my relationships, my self-confidence as a person, a teacher, a wife and even future mother.  Yes, sex, and not in the most crudest of terms, is and can be a method of transformation.  Maybe in the way of discovering your first orgasm, masturbating, feeling comfortable undressing in front of your partner or even touching yourself during sex!  Even writing this stuff and thinking about it makes me blush Why does it have to conjure up almost shameful feelings?

My question, is why have I been so afraid of my own woman-ness and why have I not owned my sexuality?  Why are we as a sex constantly comparing and even degrading our own bodies so that we can in some lifetime look like the young girl on the cover of Sports Illustrated or Victoria’s Secret?  Are those ideals even worth it and why do we as a society allow it?  Are we willing to spend the rest of our lives trying to attain this ideal when we could just own what we have right now and enjoy it? Is it worth doing this to ourselves and passing those same ideas on to the future generation?

So, I see these questions as great pathways for me to explore and they probably would never have erupted and come about  if I did not have my recent tragedy occur.  There is a lot of healing that needs to occur in my second chakra and lots of opening and release…you can take that it either literally or figuratively

Yogi, Heal Thyself

Reading Christiane Northrup’s book, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, the older version has the introduction title named, “Physician, Heal Thyself”, and she stated how she knew what to do to heal herself, but was not taking her own advice, the very same she would give to her patients.  It made me wonder just how much of my own medicine I give out in my yoga classes or amongst my family and friends and do not take myself.  Bad yogi

As I go now into my third week from the date of when I lost my first baby, I feel that I have healed somewhat and have also developed a clearer understanding of what I need to do and focus on to truly heal myself before I even think of bringing another baby into this world.

Last week, I had an appointment with my gynecologist and we discussed what would be some conservative options that I could take with regards to ridding myself of fibroids so that I can still retain my fertility in the future.  I came home pretty down and spoke to my mom and then I broke down.  I cried and asked why this was all happening to me and stating how truly unfair this was.  I feel that I have always had a pretty good life with no major upheavals or disturbances and all of a sudden, I have losing a baby and fibroids becoming an issue.  Many things came to mind during the day, but the one thing that stuck was again the “blocked energy” I mentioned in my last blog, that it was physically expressing itself as my fibroids.  What have I been blocking for most of my life?  Hmmmmm, let’s see, maybe my emotions, my feelings, my desire to be liked and accepted and not wanting to disappoint. Well, there’s a start!  That was the way I was raised and I have taken those some ideas and ways of being into my relationship with my husband, with his daughters and even with people who I encounter.  And I mean, mostly emotions that involve me being upset or unhappy.  I remember being told many times in my life that I always seemed happy and I always had a smile on my face, but how many times had I just been hiding all of that in?

Another thought that came to me was all of the work that I have been doing for my body.  I guess I was thinking this way because I have been experiencing a lot of muscular pain due to my already tight psoas pressing on my fibroid or my fibroid pressing onto my psoas.  Either way, it has been pretty uncomfortable  I have been practicing yoga for close to 11 years and feel that I have a pretty solid practice, but always room for improvement. As I say this, it has truly just been the physical aspect of yoga, not the full encompassing aspect of yoga.  Yet, despite my practice, I still deal with some chronic areas of pain for me, mostly, my psoas and mid back area.  If you don’t remember, you can read my previous blogs where I talked about the incredible, indelible psoas.

What came to mind for me is that no matter how long I “do” yoga and practice my Restorative Exercise, it won’t matter and I won’t see results if I don’t allow my emotional well-being to be affected and changed as well. I mean yogis talk about how women’s hips are one of our tightest areas, but yet it is also where we hold and store all of our emotions and one of them is freed up, it is easier for the other to let go.  If I am constantly holding, holding, holding everything in (what my husband did or said to me the night before, how his daughters are annoying me, how I would like to be making more money teaching, but I am afraid to say  or do anything) it won’t matter how many times I release my psoas and do those poses or exercises, I will still have a stuck and unfree psoas and a troubled mind.  In some weird way, I feel that I am now just understanding what yoga truly is. Duh! In the easiest sense, opening up my heart will allow my body to open more fully.

So, a big lesson has been learned and I will be continuing down that path to healing as I discover new lessons along the way.  It is unfortunate that I had to have a tragedy lead me to this awakening, but I guess that is how it goes sometimes.  I can’t say that it has been easy; being more open, speaking up even when it may be uncomfortable or allowing myself to be vulnerable.  However, they are all new sensations I am willing to endure in order for me to heal myself, the yogi.  I would not want to continue to have these patterns make their way into my future child and have him or her deal with some of the painful things I have been experiencing.

My first test is with regards to being vulnerable and open and I will be posting more about that later.  All in all, my spirits are up and I truly look forward to the future and have hope that I will have another child. I can definitely say that I am ready to jump back into teaching again.  Hope to see you in a yoga class soon!

My Absence and Transformation

Hello dear readers…I guess I have some explaining to do since I have been pretty incommunicado for a while.  I think in my last post I mentioned that I was pregnant, the last two months presented some challenges to my pregnancy and unfortunately I lost my child at 20 weeks.  It has been a very devastating, challenging and emotionally intense time for me…

As I slowly recover from my loss, being able to put my feelings into words or to express them in some manner is seeming to be more important as the days go by.  I definitely don’t cry as much as I initially did, but all of my emotions on what happened are still very much raw and one that I know needs to come out and not fester inside of me.

In a way, this feels like a cruel joke, feeling like I am beginning 2012 with so many new things coming into my life, most specifically my new baby and then having that one big dream and hope robbed from me.  I definitely was in a state earlier after my loss where I was blaming myself for not being better prepared, for allowing a certain condition I knew little about (I will explain below) to stay in my body, hating it and not truly addressing it and just being in absolute despair.  However, on my good days and especially when the sun is out and warming my heart, I feel hope for the future and I am able to stop reminiscing about the past.  I came across a quote from a fellow yogini, Chani Nicholas, who wrote, “You are not what you have lost, you are what you are becoming.”  This just spoke to me thousandfold, especially after spending some time reading a bit of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Christiane Northrup.

I guess I should mention some things that my body was and is currently dealing with.  First, I found out that I was slightly anemic during my pregnancy.  I am not sure if this was something that was present even before I conceived, but then it brings up for me that I wasn’t prepared in that I was not taking pre-natal vitamins beforehand.  I know, I can’t change the past and I shouldn’t blame myself, but that was one strike against me.  I would say the second was that even though I was over the moon about being pregnant, I still continued to push my body and maybe into limits that were just not appropriate for me.  I remember during my pregnancy having read of a women who was 9 months pregnant and had gone into labor just after she finished running a marathon.  I figured, well if she can do that, then I can continue doing what I was doing, teaching yoga all over the East Bay and carrying on with my normal life.  I have no regrets for having taught and have some of the most wonderful students out there, but I think realizing that my body may just be much more sensitive than say, the pregnant marathon lady, I could have stepped it down a bit.  Strike two. 

Lastly, last January, during a routine pelvic exam, I found out that I had fibroids.  I was a little scared and went in for an ultrasound to see the sizes of them.  Again, no worries, I was a healthy young lady and not having any symptoms that warranted any concern.  I was told that as long as I was not suffering from any symptoms, such as heavy bleeding, cramping and such, not to worry and take a “wait and see” approach. I did not look into the fibroids issue any further or seek information as to whether it would have any adverse impact on my pregnancy.  Not until I went in for my first pre-natal appt. with my doctor did I begin to get concerned since she mentioned that I had the uterus of a 5 month pregnant women and I was only 9 weeks pregnant  I then had an episode of degenerating fibroids in December and then I got really scared. I felt like I was going into pre-term labor and was in so much pain.  I realized that maybe my body needed to slow down a bit and I became a lot gentler with myself. My last episode, just last week, apparently was the one that caused an end to my sweet son’s short short life. Strike three.

As I read Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom sections on uterine fibroids, I was struck by what uterine fibroids meant and what wisdom there was by having them.  They manifested and were created in my body because of blocked energy, of not being able to truly express myself creatively and because I was not allowing my “secret self” to come out.  I was floored when I read all of those things, all things, issues that I had mentioned to my husband either in passing or had been ruminating in my brain for some time with not a clear answer to how I was going to address it.

This is my time to transform, to remove that blocked energy, to find my creative spirit and to allow my secret self to unfold.  I am ready to do the work to heal my body and my spirit and rid myself of fibroids and hopefully share my experience with you as well.  I know that this isn’t relevent specifically to yoga or alignment, but I do feel and have witnessed how my emotional blockages have turned into real physical, physiological manifestations.  I want to be better prepared the next time I conceive and I want to know that my spirit is freer and lighter for the better.

I hope that being a part of my healing journey is one that intrigues, inspires and conjures up what is causing you to be blocked or stuck in your own life. On my good days, I look with anticipation when I am pregnant again and can carry my little one in my arms and tell him or her my story. Thank you to all of you for your e-mails, flowers, visits and prayers  for me and my family.  It is truly amazing that when something truly painful happens to know that I am truly and absolutely loved and cared for by both my friends and family…thank you. Here’s hoping to many more good days.

Shifting Your Paradigm and Changing Your Behavior

I hope you have all had a wonderful holiday and are beginning to look forward to 2012!

I look forward to 2012 and will be posting much more in the new year as I have been recently dealing with some health challenges around my pregnancy.  If you didn’t know, I am currently 16 weeks pregnant and due in June and learning so much more about my body than I ever thought I would as it changes and adapts to my growing fetus!  Why didn’t I learn most of this stuff in school?

Today I listened to a great podcast by one of my teachers, Katy Bowman, about interneurons and inertia and how they both have an effect and impact on why we don’t change our behaviors. Here is the link if you are interested in listening, it is located at the bottom of the page.  It will be interesting as we come to the close of 2011 and for many of us (except me ) make New Year’s Resolutions wishing and hoping to make new changes in the new year never really ever stick to it.

I can say that I do and will make learning more about my body, the very intimate intricacies of it, much more present in my life.  As I begin my slow path towards a Physical Therapy degree in the next several years, it will be great to see how much more my body, my mind and my behaviors change.  Stay tuned….

I wish everyone a wonderful and happy holidays and much love, family and best wishes in the New Year!

Change is A-Comin’….

This weekend is the Autumnal Equinox and the beginning of fall will be upon us.  Despite all of the warm weather we have been having in the Bay Area, I can say that I am definitely ready for a bit of change.  And what better way for the change to occur than by having some rainfall!  I feel like I am truly in the throes of fall now as the weather gets colder; I pull out my scarf and raincoat before I leave the house, dig for my fuzzy slippers to schlep (?) around the house in and enjoy a nice and warm fire tonight.

Change is inevitable and it is a constant as well.  I always feel a shift whenever the seasons change and, as I am sure it is for many, a time to maybe reflect on their current state in their life, to maybe fast, detox or make some changes to adjust or prepare for the new season.  In a way, to start anew…that doesn’t have to happen just on New Years Day!  In the same way that we prepare and shift our mindset, maybe our homes and cars for the new change in weather, same goes for the body.  The detoxification or the purification of the body to make sure our bodies can handle a cold or flu is great, but I feel also a time where movement is needed even more. Movement can be taken into any context, maybe the physical body, the emotional body, the inner digestive fire or the stimulation of the intellectual side of us.

It is so easy to resign ourselves into the comfort of our homes and couches and kitchens and stay there (literally or metaphorically) until spring comes along again.  But you truly do not have to wait. A great statement that was made at service today was that it is not in our human condition to wait until things are perfect in our lives, there will always be things that came up unexpectedly and that will create turmoil, stress and of course change.  Our human condition is to hopefully take that next step whatever it may be and wherever it may take us and not hope for things to get better or the weather to get warmer.

I encourage you to embrace the change that is coming.  You can see it as either the cold weather, the rain and the fog or the warm and cozy nights surrounded by people you love eating, cooking or sharing dense, warming and comforting food. I know I will…Happy Fall!

Easing Your Way Back into Movement

I have recently had the fortune of having some very lovely ladies come to my yoga classes.  They have been ranging in the ages of the 50s to 60s and I am so amazed at the amount of energy, as well as grace, that they hold themselves in.  Despite, old age and the injuries that they have sustained over the years, they are so mobile and agile, that I am amazed at how much movement they have in their bodies.  Then I think of my mom…for a person who has given so much as both a mother and a nurse, she is the one person who has cared for herself the least.  The lack of self care that she had neglected to give herself over the years caring for others had resulted in a back surgery. Movement as a whole was not part of her everyday life, nor something I believe she found truly necessary.  She saw that the “movement” she made when doing her rounds or walking the 15 minutes to work a 12 hour shift was enough.  Yet, having spent time practicing, teaching and having yoga be a part of my life, I see how people can see the term movement in varying degrees.

How Relevant is Movement?

When looking up the definition for movement, I came across this: the act, process, or result of moving.  This may seem pretty easy, we are constantly moving our bodies, whether it be walking to our office, brushing our teeth, or even going for our daily jog, but how much of your body is in an all encompassing movement? When I think of movement, it is something that consists of whole body movement, and does not consist of just moving the major muscles of the body or isolating certain movements of the body.  Most modern exercises do just that, they isolate the  parts of the body to affect the major muscle groups that in most cases are already highly developed or overused in some cases.

The amount of physical activity that is done by majority of Americans is very minimal. And yes, there is a difference between fitness or traditional physical activity and overall movement of the body.  A study conducted by the American Journal of Preventive Medicine stated that only five percent of American adults do some sort of physical activity. Some people may even confuse exercise to be enough physical activity.  Exercise is just one form of physical activity that is done in short bouts and may only be done for 30 minutes to an hour every other day.  Maintaining or achieving a nominal range of physical activity on a regular basis, other than just exercise, is what will make the difference when it comes to recovering from injuries.

One of the best ways to bring the body back into movement is by walking.  Studies have shown that exercise is actually stressful to the body and it may sound counterintuitive when most people have been told that exercising can actually help with stress.  But any old walking just won’t cut it, you can go out there and walk a bunch of miles, but when you are out of alignment and joints and bones aren’t stacked where they need to be, walking will have very little positive effect.

As I come to the close of my week at the Restorative Exercise Institute in Ventura, CA, I see just how prevalent whole body movement is to not only feeling good but also to overall health that goes into the realms of circulation, digestion and many of the other various bodily functions that we perform on a day to day basis.  I look forward to bringing this information to the masses in my community of yoga students, yoga teachers as well as those just looking to get movement back into their body.

 

 

Welcome Back!

Well, I am a married woman now.  It has been awhile since my last post and the stress and intensity of planning a wedding and entertaining family and guests was a bit overwhelming for a while, but I am back!  I actually came back from my honeymoon almost three weeks ago, but had no desire to sit down and write, I think I wanted some time for my brain, body and mood to settle back into work mode again.  It is funny how being away from your normal routine gives you a different perspective on your life and how little or big you want your life to flow differently.  I can say, that I did have many of those moments with one of them being that I want to grow this new family that I am a part of.  Nope, I am not pregnant, yet, but I want to make more of a committment to being at home and improving my home, but how do I do so without sacrificing what I want in my life and career.  I guess this will be a constant balancing act that I will be working to obtain for some time.

So, unfortunately, no video, no great recipe or interview, I will be back in full swing with those things next week.  I can however leave you with a pretty picture of a happy bride!

Happy 4th of July!

 

 

Inspirational Fridays: Students Helping Students

Happy Friday!  So, I have a great video to share with you, from KarmaTube.

Have you ever wished that when you walked into work or into a store or where ever it is and people just applauded you and greeted you?  They made you feel like they were really happy to have you there and to see you as well?  Well, this university in Kansas does just that and more every year on the first day of school.  I will keep my banter short, but I hope you find this video inspiring of what young people are doing to help each other out.

Interviews from Inspiring People

Image via Wikipedia

I am very pleased to announce that I will be now offering a bi-monthly blog post where I will interview someone who I find either interesting or who has touched the lives of many from the work that they do.  I believe that by reading and listening to the stories of others and how they have either risen from despair, from something hopeless or just made a change because they felt called to do it.

So, this week, I interviewed my fiance Robert Wallace.  Yes, he is inspiring.  When I first met him, I was amazed at what he had been able to bring into his life and it was all through will power, determination and just plain not settling for what is easy or comfortable, although he is one who professes that he was named “Mr. Comfortable” as a kid.  As a background, Robert Wallace is a drummer, a drum teacher and part of a small, local drum band called Grasshopper.  He has been playing drums for as long as I have known him, which isn’t very long, but it has definitely been upwards of 20+ years.  In the way that meditation, yoga, or running is a persons’ go to “thing” when stressed or for a way to relax, playing the drum does this for Robert.  Check out the interview below and to find out more about Robert, drumming and what he plays, you can visit his website at www.totalrhythm.com.

The interview was short, he was tired and not very flowy with his answers, but they were still very direct and to the point and I hope that they can in some way be inspiring to you and in helping you follow your own dream.

What inspired you to pick up the drum? I was in law school at the time and I heard some African music on a late night, college radio station in San Francisco.

How do you feel that your work empowers your students? I help my students get in touch with their body, get in touch with the natural rhythms inside their body and I help them open up to the wide world of music.

Who or what other work inspired you to do what you do today?  I have a lot of great influences for my work and what I do, a gentleman by the name of Carlinhos Brown from Brazil was a huge inspiration for me.  Leon Parker, a musician from New York City, Taiko drumming from Japan, capoeira music and dance from Brazil, and African percussionist the world over.  They have and continue to play a big part in my musical endeavors.

I have a smile on my face when I wake up in the morning because…I am open to the adventure of a new day and I realize I am born again everyday as a new person.  I get to do what I love to do and follow my dreams and I am open to the freshness of life.

What would you like your lasting legacy to be? I would like to be remembered as someone who shared his gifts.

Some sage advice for the readers….Life is an attempt. It is not so important whether you win or lose or succeed or fail, it is just that you made the effort.  The energy you put in the effort and the attempt will propel you forward.